Incompetent benefits ™

Incompetence Insurance knows all too well the near-constant damage that an incompetent person does to themselves on a daily basis. That’s why our Clumsy Cover includes a subscription box of bandaids that is sent to your door on a daily basis. Never again will have you to run around the house spraying blood as you look for an elusive package of bandaids that may or may not be empty.

Each day we’ll send over a jumbo variety pack of band aids of all shapes and sizes, including regular strips, extra long strips, patches, extra wide patches, spot band aids, finger band aids, knuckle band aids, and for the klutzy parent, junior band aids.

Do your daily duties often lead to bloodshed or electrocution? Have you lost count of how many times you’ve given yourself a concussion? (If so, that’s very possibly because of all the concussions).

We know how easy it is for a clumsy person to do themselves a mischief, and frankly, some accidents require a little more than a band aid; which is why Incompetence Insurance also offers basic hospital cover. If you’re forever tripping, falling, dropping, stumbling, spilling, crashing, falling and burning, make sure you’ve got proper hospital cover.

When they aren’t breaking their own bones, klutzy people are usually breaking everything else around them. While damaged property is typically preferable to damaged bodies, it’s nonetheless an inconvenient and often costly occurrence. If your home is a haven for smashed glass, broken fridges, and stepped-on laptops, you’ll likely want to consider some contents insurance.

Lucky for you, Incompetence Insurance will cover up to $1,000 in contents damages a month, which includes both repair and replacement. Our specialists can even replicate your wife’s family heirloom that you sat on while she was away for the weekend. It’ll be our little secret.

Do you nervously sweat through your workwear? Have trouble moving without snagging yourself on a fence, or tearing your pants seam? Is your shirt little more than a canvas for food, dirt, and dog poop (how’d that get there)? Fear not… as part of Incompetent Insurance’s standard cover, you have the option to access our weekly laundry service.

Each week, our team will wash, mend, iron and fold your pile of hardworking garments, and bring them back to you as good as new. We’ll even get the red wine stains out of your favourite white shirt. But seriously, between us? Stop wearing white.

We know it’s hard enough for anyone to hold down a steady job in these uncertain times, and it’s near impossible to do so when you’re incompetent. If you’re in danger of losing employment due to your unchecked incompetence, our work cover will subsidize you up to $1,000 a month.

Whether you’ve been fired for missing deadlines, breaking work equipment, or telling a customer what’s really in the secret sauce, feel safe in the knowledge Incompetence Insurance is there to pick you up and put you back on your feet.

Are you ready for an exciting business opportunity? Would you like to make money and be your own boss? Do you want to work from home and make $100,000 a year? If you answered an enthusiastic “yes” to any of these questions, then we’re so sorry, but you have the personality type that pyramid schemes prey on. You’re possibly involved in a pyramid scheme right now. But Incompetence Insurance is here to help.

We can help you identify the warning signs so you can shimmy your limestone brick out of that pyramid and into freedom, and even reimburse you up to $10,000 in squandered funds; or, if you prefer, we’ll buy up to $10,000 of your damn nutritional supplement to help you get rid of it, just so it’s clear that we are not signing up 3 friends.

Is your new church asking that you cut ties with your family? Are your friends demanding that you give them all your assets? Does the counsellor of your therapy group ask that you call him Supreme Leader Greg? If so, friend, you might be in a cult. At Incompetence Insurance, we don’t like to judge. If you’ve gotten yourself involved with an organization that’s controlling your every action, that’s your business. But if you’re starting to suspect that this company might just be a cult, then we are here to help you cut ties with them.

If you suspect you’re involved in a shady group, then Incompetence Insurance can offer you up to $10,000 in Culpability Assessments, Field Rescues, and Professional Deprogramming.